Taking Out the Trash

I saw a kid shooting a metal garbage can with a hand-gun. I sat and watched -- that kid really looked pissed at that trash can. I mean, I thought he was gonna fucking burst, his face was so red, veins standing out on his arms and neck. When the kid finally walked away, I went over to check on the can. I figured, you know, it's gotta be dead... the kid killed it for sure. But I couldn't just lie there, y'know... not knowing.

So I step up to the can, bend down, and put my fingers right on the side, right by a bullet hole... and I see it's still alive. Maybe just hanging in there, but still alive. So I quickly set it upright... that's the best thing for an injured garbage can, you know -- not like people. People you gotta leave laying, but cans, you put 'em upright, so they can regain their sense of themselves and their surroundings.

I asked the can, real cool, what it did to piss off the kid so bad. You know, like, "Wha'd ya do, can? 'dya swallow some o'th'kids good stuff, somethin' like that?" And that fuckin' can just sat there, not sayin' a WORD. Can you believe that? I'm here, saving the thing's ass, and it gives me this silence shit. So I persisted, "Ah, c'mon, he's gone now, and I ain't gon tell him jack 'bout this, y'know, man... just wonderin', I gotta keep up on what the shit is around here out back around, y'know, just gotta keep tied in."

The can still didn't answer. I mean it just fucking SAT there. Like a fucking inanimate object, just sat there. So I kicked it, y'know, a good one right in the rim there, where I know a can can really feel a blow, without getting too broken up... I was pissed, y'know... you'd be too, you just save the life of a can and it doesn't wanna talk to you like that.

Oh, I felt a little sick doin' it... I mean a can's just been shot up like that's gotta be feelin' some uncomfortableness, y'know... but the fucker, y'know, shit, I hafta know, like I told it, what's up and down, where the alley comes out on the street and shit.

So it kinda withdraws a bit, and turns to me. I can see I got to it, and I still felt a little bad, so I says, "Hey, sorry buddy, I just... man, y'know how it is, stumps, just gotta get what I got comin' and all..."

The can just looked up at me, real proud, and says, "Yeah, fickfack, got it, jivin. It's way up, and I dig it. But why the fuck I gotta talk to you? You pick me up off the blacktop and now I'm supposed to give away all the good stuff, man? That it?"

I stared at the fucker... where'd this thing get off talkin' to me like I'm some kinda pussy ass punk, y'know, just kickin' around for my health or somethin', savin' his shit for my ass to get bigger or some shit? I got over it quick enough, though, and decided to answer him. "Well, can there, y'know, I don't just hang around here for enjoyment or nothin', I gotta get my shit somehow. And I figure you can at least let me in on a little of this disagreement between you and that kid for my trouble, snub?"

The can looked to think it over, swish it around a bit, spit it into a gutter or some shit, and then he said, "Yeah, flipper. I don't imagine I got much to worry about, I got my shit in myself and I can stay alive for awhile around here, whether you know or not about the shit.

"That kid there, he was comin' out a door here, all struttin' slammin' groovin', and he just hauls off and kicks me, right down the bottom, real hard, fixin' on knockin' the air outta my ass, y'know, knockin' me flat. But I ain't takin' none a'that game, y'know... I don't need no fuckin' kids kickin' my shit in and all, so I just give it a little spin, y'know, and whack the fuck right in the teeth. Just kicked right up there, 'fore he even knew he was kickin' a can, and SMOP, his tooth shoots in, then he spits it out.

"I sat there, thinkin' that was it, that kid was outta here... I mean you saw 'im man, couldn'ta been over 14, just some punk torquescrew, he gonna turn tail and bust back to Brooklyn, y'know what I'm floatin'.

"But the kid just starts shakin', y'know, his face twistin' and shit, with his palm on his mouth where I busted 'im, and suddenly, 'fore I can even think about a buick, he's got that fuckin' gun in his fist, wavin' it around at me and screamin' and shit. Then he starts t'jumpin' up and down, back and forth, and that gun is pointin' EVERYWHERE, man, y'know, I thought the bitch was gonna start poppin' bricks or some shit. So I decide to talk him outta this, y'know.

"'Kid,' I says, 'y'know, whatever it is you're into and all, I ain't got nothin' t'do with, see... I'm just for garbage, man, no tradin' and shit goin' on here. I ain't gonna say nothin' t'nobody 'bout any of that, them guns'n'shit y'got there, I just gonna sit here, pretend you never kicked me, pretend this is all cool. I don't need any part of your action, man, I be alright...'

"Then the fucker interrupted me, screamin' some more, sayin', 'Man, shut up! Shut the fuck up! Jesus, what the fuck, you wanna piece of... man, shit, you just be kickin' the wrong motherfucker, here, bitch... this is just fucked up! Man, just so fucked up! Tellin' me you didn't see shit an' shit, man, I know you know all this shit 'bout my ass, I know, shit... You think I'm just gonna settle down or some shit? Man, FUCK THAT! Christ, you fuck, you knocked out my tooth, fucker! You better just tell me now what you know 'bout me, and don't be stallin' an' makin' up shit, 'cause I'll fuckin' shoot your ass, don't push me, I'll just fill you full o'pokies, man...'

"I was kinda scared, now, see, this kid flappin' around like that, and I didn't know what he was talkin' 'bout, so I tried to let him know, 'No man, you got it wrong,' I said, 'I don't know nothin' 'bout nothin', I just sit here all day an' night, man, not watchin' nothin'... if you in trouble, man, I don't know nothin' 'bout it...'

"And then the fuck interrupted me again, 'Man, shut the fuck up! You gonna stand there and tell me you don't know about my monkeyman, then? You gonna say you never saw us with that statue, flyin' high up there in this building, floating sails down the river? Man, you gotta think I'm some kinda stupid ass bitch, thinkin' I'm gonna be fallin' for all that shit...'

"'No, man, it's true,' I said, 'I never saw...' And that's when he popped me! Man, again and again, he kept pullin' that knocker, hittin' me half the time, half the time the bricks an' the blacktop. Then he kicks me a bit, screams and jumps, shoots some more, and takes off runnin'."

"Yeah," I says to that fuckin' flip-ass can, "I thought you didn't know no shit, can, fucker. But then the kid had to go spillin' his shit 'bout me an' him, so I'm just gonna have ta finish you myself," And I just spilt the fuckin' load on him, lit him up like a damn brush fire, pulled his metal ass all over the alley and down into Chicago, man. That fuckin' can ain't tellin' no shit about monkeyman, no how. Ain't happenin'. Stupid fuckin' trash can.