E-MAIL MESSAGE ESCAPES COMPUTER
ALBONTINE, MD -- An e-mail message, intended to be sent to an associate of local resident R. Edward Mathison, jumped out of his Hewlett Packard monitor and quickly got away from him, sources report.
Mathison, 29 year old manager of operations for a small local business, claims to have followed the e-mail for a few feet out his office door and down the hallway before losing site of it. "I was a little bit startled when [the e-mail message] hopped out of the screen like that, but fortunately I'm sharp enough that I was able to start pursuit without giving the thing much of a head-start." Unfortunately for Mathison and his alleged associate, the e-mail message was "pretty damned fast."
When asked if he was on fucking crack, Mathison responded, "Well, no. In fact, I've been clean and sober for over six months now." When then it was posed that he might just be a damned retard, Mathison was quick to rebutt, "I've got an above-average IQ." Later it was found that the average IQ in Albontine is 27.
Further investigation by reporters has uncovered a possible link to other recent e-mail disappearances. Local person-of-some-sort-of-importance Grover McFeeley is adamant, however, that there is no correlation. "Those cases of so-called disappearing e-mails are bunch of crap. A lot of people have a tendency to say things like, 'Didn't you get my message? I'm sure I sent itů it must've disappeared,' when confronted by friends of theirs for not talking to them for a long time. It's just a convenient excuse." When asked if Mr. Mathison might, possibly, be that sort of asshole, McFeeley only muttered something about a "speedy delivery" and ran away.