Ladies and Gentlemen:

Delving into the future of our parent company, it's easy to forget that we're all in this thing together. But our hands are held in glee as our President, and former Member, declares this week, "Enable Your Family to Do Bad Things Week." This memo is intended to spill some salt on the outpouring of defection. Remember, we're only trying to make your working-environment a little more friendly, a little more conclusive, and a lot more hefty. WE LOVE OUR POTATOES!

A brief message from our President regarding his newly declared week:

"I'd like to thank you all for the many hours of interminable effort you've placed in driving our prices sky-high! It's been a few weeks since anyone in my OWN family has been enabled, by anyone I know, to do bad things. It was this realization that allowed me to recognize the need for a COMPANY-WIDE, HASSLE-FREE, HAGGLE-INTENSIVE, new policy. Have fun!"

Here are the guidelines, as laid out by a panel of your conspirators:

  1. Don't specifically tell anyone anything. Instead, encourage their bad behavior by your own actions.
  • Spread a lot of cracker-barrel cheddar on your forehead. DON'T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS, THIS IS ALL VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT.
  • Leave hammers and other tools-which-could-be-construed-as-weapons all over your home.
  • Act very angry at anyone who does anything 'good.'
  • Implement, implement, implement!

    Today, we enter a new era in productivity, incompetence, and disfunctionality. You should all be very proud to be a part of such a ground-breaking conglomeration of ill-prepared-for exuberance. We've all become disjointed, and it's finally starting to pay off!

    In closing, the finality that you've come to expect has been omitted, in deference to our inebriation.

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