Pirouetting Obsequiousness:

Delving deep into the particle, we've stumbled upon a gloriously unpredicted piece of matter! We are astounded, and running further to tests to discover all of its properties. For the time being, we know that it is a product of a very old, very technologically advanced entity.

We have already discovered quite a few miraculous properties! They will be listed below, as advanced information for you.

First, word on our technique. Particle dissemination tests were being performed using the IUKPA (Intersequencing Umbrulated Kinetescopic Particle Accelerator,) which you've probably all heard of (the location continues to be kept secret for security reasons.) We were looking for discrepancies in mass/velocity results reported to us by US Government Physicists in a number of quirks and strange attractors, which are obviously only able to be detected by the most advanced equipment available.

Early on, our researchers began measuring masses for sub-atomic particles that exceeded any reasonable predictions based on existing theory. Upon further investigation, we discovered that indeed quirks with a certain spin were giving rise to additional particles. These particles quickly (within less than 10 x 10-23 second) dissipate, probably the result of collision with their anti-particles.

Below are some properties of these particles, as discovered so far:

 

1. Mass = 7 x 10-12 uc
2. Volume = 5 x 10-15 mi
3. Half-life = 8 x 108 ls
4. Repellant to strange attractors at a rate of 100m/sec/sec

5. Skips a line after everything after 4.

6. Resonates at a frequency that is an overtone of microwave radiation.

7. May spontaneously disappear and re-appear elsewhere.

Obviously, much more work is required. These preliminary results, however, indicate that matter has no actual mass, and that teleportation may be facilitated using currently available technology. Additionally, thought waves may travel through wormholes left by the disappearance of these particles!

 

Guntintulating Thoroughly,

Dr. Jack Van Impe, II